ArcaNuova · Staying · Travel · Clarity
The Desire to Stay
Why one sometimes has to leave a beloved home for a while in order to return to it fully.
I live in paradise. I say that without exaggeration. A house on a hill, 300,000 square metres of land, sun, olives, music and two Dobermanns who offer more loyalty than many people. I have no urge to escape and no longing for a new world. I have everything I need, when I am at peace with myself.
And yet there is another impulse: to leave once. Not to flee or break out. Just to gain distance and see clearly again who I am in this paradise.
South America is one possibility. Not as a new life, but as an interval from which to look at my own life from outside. It is not wanderlust, but an inward view that sometimes needs a different landscape. Not for long. Only until the mind becomes clear again.
It is a paradoxical feeling: I want to stay, but in order to stay properly, I have to leave once.
I could travel at any time. Susanna is dependable enough to care for the dogs. She does not see them with the same depth as I do, but she respects them as part of our life. That is enough. Dogs do not hold grudges. They know the present and the return.
What South America is meant to give me is not adventure, but reflection. A few weeks without expectations, clan, children or roles. Just me and distance.
The centre of my life remains here. I do not really want to leave. I want a relationship in which I remain the centre of my own life, just as I am when I live alone. A woman who arrives instead of scattering herself. A woman who truly commits to me, not to a system of family, obligations or drama.
When the dogs are no longer here one day, and that day will come, I will face two paths: another dog or another woman. Something that supports me rather than pulls at me. Something that complements me rather than consumes me.
South America is only the intermediate step. A mirror. A pause. Clarity.
My life is here. I would leave only so that I can return to it completely.
